It's strange how over the course of a month, so much can happen. A couple of weeks ago, I was on bedrest and sort of begging God to let everything be OK. I actually wasn't sort of begging, I was downright pleading begging. You all know the outcome. We lost the baby and my only remaining tube to conceive with. Now, I don't say that easily. I know it seems like I just blunted that out but I have been very blunt with God over the past 10 days. I'm going to be real with ya'll today.....
I have asked him "why" so many times that it's annoying. I have been mad at Him. I have wondered what the past month meant in my lifetime. I have been raw, let me tell ya. R.A.W.
But in a weird way, I feel closer to God than I did a month ago. A LOT closer. I was in a rut. I was in some murky, dirty water focusing on myself and my plans for my life. I can hear me now.." Ok, I want to adopt before Christmas and oh, won't it be fun to decorate the nursery and maybe I should go back to work, and I need to organize the house...." I could literally go on for a lot longer. What I needed to be doing was focusing on the Lord and what He wants for me, what He has planned for me and my family. I was not being a good helpmate for my husband and honestly, I wasn't being a very good mommy. I was focusing on ME.
After my grumbling stopped (around Sunday or so), I started asking him healthier questions like "what can I learn from this", and "How do YOU want me to proceed from here?". What a difference 3 days makes. I feel I am thinking clearer than I have in a long time! I feel the presence and peace of the Lord and it feels good. It's been awhile.
I can truly thank God for our struggles in the past month because it brought me here. I have to "Embrace the friction- because although it might be unclear, uncomfortable and sometimes painful, the friction of life takes us somewhere farther than we could have went without it (our tag line). I see many areas where I have a lot of work to do. Now I have the focus and drive to try to be who He wants me to be.
I don't quite have it all figured out, and never will, but I'm glad on the way back up rather than down in that lonely gutter.
I don't want the hard, questioning times to come back any time soon. But, I'm thankful the Lord got my attention. OUCH! He did it in a way that hurt, but I know He will restore me. I'm forever grateful for a Father who pursues me even when I don't think I need pursuing.
Thank you Lord for working all things out for good and for your glory!